I will talk about today. I wish I could say that there was a magical pill, or button that I could push/take to make me feel better, however there is no such thing. I have had my up's and down's with this stupid conidtion since I found out about it. I know that is not a very positive outlook, but really right now I am just tired of it! I want to be done with it. I have been medicated and therepied (if there is such a word) and now I am ready to just be normal again.
I need to take deep breaths! Wish this was an amusing post, but really not much to laugh at right now. Other than I feel like I am going to stand up here in the middle of my office and just start FREAKING OUT!!!!!! I kind of have an office that looks like a glassed cage, so Come one! Come all! See the wierd lady FREAK OUT right before your eyes! Don't worry, she does not bite.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Being Diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder
•Please note that this was written several months ago on another blog (My myspace page). I am posting it here to describe the past few months, so that I can continue to talk about it, and everyone knows what I am talking about.•
I just read my friend Chrissy's latest blog, and in it she was writting about a song called Broken (which you can hear on my profile). As I listened to it, it really moved me. I think it is because right now I feel broken. Please do not take this the wrong way, you see I do know that I am blessed with all that I have, and I am very thankful for all of it. You see that is where the broken part comes into play. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I have gentically low seratonin levels, which means I get to have panic attacks because I can not handle every day life,and they do not know why!
The fun part for me, is that I for no reason at all, I worry about everything. Doesn't that sound like fun! So, for the last year, I have thought that my husband was going to die, my children were going to die, my parents were going to die, I was going to die, I was going to get fired.... and on and on. Now, I am sure that most of you are saying, well everyone has to die, and for those of you that are spiritual, you are saying that everything happens for a reason, and that it is God's will. Well, I can tell myself that too, but that is not good enough. I have no ability to rationalize anything... but at least I try. Although it did get to the point that I stopped trying to rationalize it, and just knew that it was happening. The thoughts that go through my head are not reasonable, really a sad way to live. Which is why I started having panic attacks. To make matters worse, I can not remember a damn thing! So not only am i worrying about everything, I can not remember why, but I feel stressed because I know there is some reason why things are falling down around me. (although, they really are not, that is part of it as well, it feels like it, but it really is not).
Now, I get to take a pill, and that helped at first, but guess what folks, life still happens, and although most people might wonder what I have to be stressed out about, I can not answer that question, I just know I am! So I am so tense, and nervous, and I get to take a pill that will control the panic attacks that I kept having (the one at work was great! I am not only crazy at home, but I got to share it at work so that now everyone there thinks that I am not only crazy, but incompatent. Since I am a 28 year old advertising director and I am years younger than everyone else anyway, that does not do good in the whole debate that yes I can do this job!)
So, this song, hits a nerve, and right now represents what I feel like.
There it is, all out there. Perhaps it is stupid to put your private thoughts on the web, but what I have decided, is that I am tired of hiding who I am, and I think that might be part of my problem. And I really feel that others are going throught the same thing, (at least that is what "they" tell me) so I want them to know that you are not alone...and "they keep telling me you really are not crazy... So we have no other choice then to belive "them".
Part Two (What am I thankful for today)
GAD... not so thankful for it, but I am getting used to it. I am finding the triggers! So that is a plus. Last week I thought I was going crazy again... and if you would have asked Matt I am sure that he would have agreed with you. I lost it, and it was not a good thing. But as a family we worked it out. I think that the worst part of this condition is putting my family through it. I feel like they should not have to be put through the ups and downs of someone else, but then I guess that is what family does. I think that again is a hard concept for me, because I have always felt like I must be strong, and show that to everyone, and this is a weekness. Not only a weekness, but something that I bascilly have no control over. That to me proves that God has since of humor.
Anyway, the other thing that I am trying to get over is that it is ok to let people in, and it is ok to show weekness in front of others. I wonder why we all think (and maybe we all do not think... maybe just me) that we have to put up a brave front for everyone and walk around like nothing bothers you. Does everyone feel like that... or is that part of this condition? I then feel like the worst person because I have yelled and screamed and cried in front of others... I showed emotion in front of my children and my husband.
Then the guilt sets in... oh my gosh did I really just do that... I am aweful! I not only showed weekness, but I had a fit... I am not a very good person.
So, there you have it. These are the struggles that my mind goes through. I have been told that it is normal to express emotion... and it is not a sign of weekness... but in my head it is not normal, and the strange part is that it sounds so stupid when I say it! So, if I know that it is dumb, then why don't I feel that way?
I am thankful that I am learning how to deal with all of this stuff, and that God has given me the tools to deal with it, however long it takes. The next step is thinking and feeling the same way!
This has been GAD 101! :)
I just read my friend Chrissy's latest blog, and in it she was writting about a song called Broken (which you can hear on my profile). As I listened to it, it really moved me. I think it is because right now I feel broken. Please do not take this the wrong way, you see I do know that I am blessed with all that I have, and I am very thankful for all of it. You see that is where the broken part comes into play. I have been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I have gentically low seratonin levels, which means I get to have panic attacks because I can not handle every day life,and they do not know why!
The fun part for me, is that I for no reason at all, I worry about everything. Doesn't that sound like fun! So, for the last year, I have thought that my husband was going to die, my children were going to die, my parents were going to die, I was going to die, I was going to get fired.... and on and on. Now, I am sure that most of you are saying, well everyone has to die, and for those of you that are spiritual, you are saying that everything happens for a reason, and that it is God's will. Well, I can tell myself that too, but that is not good enough. I have no ability to rationalize anything... but at least I try. Although it did get to the point that I stopped trying to rationalize it, and just knew that it was happening. The thoughts that go through my head are not reasonable, really a sad way to live. Which is why I started having panic attacks. To make matters worse, I can not remember a damn thing! So not only am i worrying about everything, I can not remember why, but I feel stressed because I know there is some reason why things are falling down around me. (although, they really are not, that is part of it as well, it feels like it, but it really is not).
Now, I get to take a pill, and that helped at first, but guess what folks, life still happens, and although most people might wonder what I have to be stressed out about, I can not answer that question, I just know I am! So I am so tense, and nervous, and I get to take a pill that will control the panic attacks that I kept having (the one at work was great! I am not only crazy at home, but I got to share it at work so that now everyone there thinks that I am not only crazy, but incompatent. Since I am a 28 year old advertising director and I am years younger than everyone else anyway, that does not do good in the whole debate that yes I can do this job!)
So, this song, hits a nerve, and right now represents what I feel like.
There it is, all out there. Perhaps it is stupid to put your private thoughts on the web, but what I have decided, is that I am tired of hiding who I am, and I think that might be part of my problem. And I really feel that others are going throught the same thing, (at least that is what "they" tell me) so I want them to know that you are not alone...and "they keep telling me you really are not crazy... So we have no other choice then to belive "them".
Part Two (What am I thankful for today)
GAD... not so thankful for it, but I am getting used to it. I am finding the triggers! So that is a plus. Last week I thought I was going crazy again... and if you would have asked Matt I am sure that he would have agreed with you. I lost it, and it was not a good thing. But as a family we worked it out. I think that the worst part of this condition is putting my family through it. I feel like they should not have to be put through the ups and downs of someone else, but then I guess that is what family does. I think that again is a hard concept for me, because I have always felt like I must be strong, and show that to everyone, and this is a weekness. Not only a weekness, but something that I bascilly have no control over. That to me proves that God has since of humor.
Anyway, the other thing that I am trying to get over is that it is ok to let people in, and it is ok to show weekness in front of others. I wonder why we all think (and maybe we all do not think... maybe just me) that we have to put up a brave front for everyone and walk around like nothing bothers you. Does everyone feel like that... or is that part of this condition? I then feel like the worst person because I have yelled and screamed and cried in front of others... I showed emotion in front of my children and my husband.
Then the guilt sets in... oh my gosh did I really just do that... I am aweful! I not only showed weekness, but I had a fit... I am not a very good person.
So, there you have it. These are the struggles that my mind goes through. I have been told that it is normal to express emotion... and it is not a sign of weekness... but in my head it is not normal, and the strange part is that it sounds so stupid when I say it! So, if I know that it is dumb, then why don't I feel that way?
I am thankful that I am learning how to deal with all of this stuff, and that God has given me the tools to deal with it, however long it takes. The next step is thinking and feeling the same way!
This has been GAD 101! :)
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